"I am an Overcomer" - Psalmist, Ashley's Story

My name is Ashley Barnes. I was born and raised in Long Island, New York. I am the youngest sibling of three and we were all raised by both parents. I am currently a worship leader, musician and entrepreneur. My life’s journey has not been the prettiest, but the Lord has been faithful in restoring me, in spite of my past failures and pain. Living an overcomer life in Christ has been the most freeing and rewarding lifestyle for me. I trust that my story encourages your heart.

Trapped in an Unsafe Home

I was about six (6) years old when I witnessed Domestic Violence for the first time in parents’ home. At that time I didn’t know a name for it, but I knew what I saw wasn’t right. One day, I saw my mother on the ground crying after my Father had just yelled and punched her. From that day, I never looked at my Father the same. The situation at home escalated and worsened; the once loving, funny, father I had known, disappeared. I began to identify him as a controlling monster who would taunt, belittle, and hurt my mother, he was no longer my best friend. I was shattered internally, and began living in fear.

I thought things were looking up when I turned eight years old. During that time my mom introduced me to the piano and from then on, I had an infatuation with stringed instruments. Little did I know, I would turn my focus to music. Things became worse with my Father when I turned nine years old. One night before I went to sleep, my father whom I no longer recognized, came into my room and asked if I was “okay”. I thought he came to tuck me in like normal, but instead he got into the bed with me and begin to touch me and call me his princess. I tried to scream, but he covered my mouth with his hands. The touching went on for four years and I was forbidden to tell anyone; or else he would hurt my siblings and mother. Thus, I remained quiet for four years, and all that time I felt “trapped”.

Forced into becoming an Addict

After returning home from school one afternoon, I saw him watching pornography on the television. This would be the first time I was introduced to pornography. Since, I didn’t understand what was happening, I went to my room; he then followed behind me to let me know it was okay to join him. Since I was a child, I did whatever he told me to do. By this time, I was thirteen years old and had transitioned to High school. The sad truth is pornography became a part of my life. I was forced to watch scenes regularly and perform certain acts on my father. This made me numb and caused me to begin inflicting self-harm, so that the pain would go away.

Life and Self-Harm

While around my friends at school, it became apparent that my behavior was different. I was on many occasions very nervous, and it was a result of me “cutting my wrists” to ease my gruesome internal pain. Regardless of the self-harm, the pain still remained the same. During middle school, I began experiencing bullying. The kids at school bullied me, belittled me and called me all types of ugly names. I became unaware of myself, and I developed low self-esteem because I began seeing myself the others saw me. I was confused, hurt, bitter, and filled with hatred towards my bullies, and my father. Most of all towards myself.

While in school one day, I became suicidal and wrote a note to my family. The note read, “I love you guys so much, but it is time for me to go. This pain is too deep and I cannot take it anymore. I’ve decided it would be best that I were no longer here.” Thank God someone found that note and stopped me!! My mom came to pick me up from school; she listened to me story as she cried and prayed with me. However, I could not receive what she prayed because of the anger I felt towards God for allowing these terrible things to happen. Also, she found out what my father was doing to me at night and called the authorities. The authorities picked him up and locked him up for only four years. That’s right, only four years!!

Saved & Promiscuous Life Style

My father was released from jail when I was seventeen years old. Upon my fathers’ release from jail, he tried to make things right and reunite with us at home. My mom had a big heart and was very forgiving. Although reluctant, my Father’s fake apologies worked on her. That decision almost cost her life.

A year later, my mother began forcing my siblings and me to attend church with her. While attending a church service, the Pastor made an altar call for anyone who felt invisible, suicidal, and depressed to come to the altar. The pastor was ministering to my soul, and that night I accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior into my heart, and decided to get baptized. My journey as a believer has not been easy, but it has been the best decision I have ever made. The Lord saw my brokenness and shame, and He transformed me. The Lord forgave me and loved me. I felt His strength and joy when I most needed it. I realize that His presence had always been with me even when I could not feel it. I felt so grateful. I was about nineteen years old when my parents were officially divorced; and my Father had officially moved out. My siblings and I barely saw him after that.

Although, I was saved, I wasn’t totally surrendered to God. I would be one foot in church and another out because I wanted to live my way. I soon began living a promiscuous life-style. When my mother became very ill and her medical bills became costly; I lured myself deeper into promiscuity to assist in offsetting some of my mothers’ medical expenses. Not a decision I am proud of!! I was twenty years old when my mothers’ sickness worsened, and I needed to make a change. The Holy Spirit began to convict me, and I could not continue to live such a promiscuous lifestyle. Once again, I made a conscious decision to live for Christ. My mother passed away a few months after my 21st Birthday, and her passing left me feeling devastated. Nevertheless, the Lord has been faithful towards me and has been strengthening me, to-date.

Forgiveness & Reconciliation

At the age of twenty three (23), I realized that I was still harboring bitterness and hatred towards my Father. So, I decided to write a letter to him expressing how I felt towards him for what he had done to me. At the end of the letter I wrote “I Forgive You”. One day we saw each other while taking the bus; since I couldn’t prolong this task any longer; I got up and chose to sit next to him. Before he could speak, I gave him the letter with my new phone number written on the back, then proceeded to get off at the next stop. Tears flowed from down my face as I made my way off the bus. That was the day, I began walking in freedom, “I was free”. I had fully forgiven my father and not only that; I finally forgave myself. I am now 25 years old, and I thank God every day for his Grace, strength and mercy. I am so grateful to know that he kept me despite all my tough life experiences. Now!! I’m able to share it with ALL of you. My name is Ashley, and I am an overcomer.

Ladies!! Ladies!! Now that you have read Ashley’s story, I hope you have exhaled and inhaled a couple time. I trust that you have learnt a lot from Ashley as well and you are compelled to do life with Christ. I admire Ashely’s courage to share her story with ShineBeatuifully, and every one of you. No amount of edits could have changed Ashley’s story, so it is being published in its almost raw form. I am so proud of the woman the Lord is molding and fashioning her “to be” in this season. God bless you Ashley.

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I love you Sis, & pray that you will receive ALL that the Lord has in store for your life.

May you flourish in your God given Assignment

Stay Blessed!!

Go ahead and “Girl Just Shine”.

Yours Truly,

Ms. Ongel